Irony

            What’s the point of taking an anti-depressant if its side effects are thoughts of suicide and weight gain when my weight makes me suicidal? I’m a 15 year old girl who’s 92 pounds and goes in and out of psychiatric rooms in the hospital on the regular. People always try to tell me “Lily you’re not fat!” “OMG Lily stop you’re so skinny!” but why should I listen to them.

        

    I can’t trust people. I try but they always end up disappointing me in the end. My mom tells me she loves me, but then why does she abuse me? Before I get on the bus every morning before school she stand in the doorway on the front steps and yells to me “I love you darling.” It puts a smile on my face for a little while but then I realize what’s going to happen when I go home. The second I get back from school at 2:47 she’s going to find something that I did wrong and start yelling at me. She might even start hitting me. Why does she tell me she loves me and then leave bruises on my arms?

           

   That’s another cause of my depression. I don’t tell people about what goes on at home with my mom though because if they took her away from me I’d have no one. I would never leave the hospital. I don’t have many friends at school. I don’t have any friends at really when I think about it. When I need someone most I’m always left alone. I feel so abandoned. The only person I’d consider my friend is my therapist Meagan. She’s young and energetic and always knows what I should do. Meagan has long dark hair and these beautiful green eyes. She’s tall and has perfect skin. I don’t know why she is a therapist. I feel like she could be anything in the world because she is so pretty and intelligent. Instead she chooses so sit in an empty white room with me and listen to my endless lists of complaints. Sometimes I feel bad but then I remember it’s her job.

        

    I get excited on therapy session days. I usually go to Meagan once a week. Today’s that day actually so instead of going home right after school I walk to the office 2.5 miles away. I walk along this back road behind my school. It’s long windy and dusty but no one ever goes down it. Every time I go for that walk I feel like it’s a new adventure. I get to the office full of smiles. The secretary even wonders why I go there. She does not understand all the pain I hide under my smile.

    

        I walk into Meagan’s office and I am always so happy to see her. I wish she was my mom. I want to go live with her and be a part of her perfect life. Meagan talks to me in her soft quiet voice and asks the same question “How was school today Lily?” and every time I gave her the same answer of how I ate alone in the bathroom at lunch and how I didn't do my homework. She tries to encourage me to be a better student and I want to do it for her but I just don’t have the time and energy for all of it. I get home from school and my mom beats me every day until I have no energy left. I storm into my room after this teary eyes and beat myself up even more. I slit my wrists and my legs. Everywhere someone can’t see. Only Meagan knows about my scars. Usually she helps me clean them out and take the pain away. I really don’t know how she deals with all my problems but she just sits and listens. That’s all I really want. Someone who will listen to me.

      

      I try to ask Meagan. Why do I have a mother who says she loves me one second and hits me the next? Why should I take these medications if they make me ten times more suicidal? Why should I listen to you? I have all these questions of Why. I do not understand what the point of my life is. Meagan tells me I’m needed in this world but I feel so useless.