Self-Deprecation

                It’s all fun and games until you’re in the back row of a church at your great grandmother’s funeral trying to hide your laughter. My mom slaps me on the side of the head and tells me I’m being disrespectful. It hurt when she hit me so I couldn't help but let out a loud yelp. Everyone in the church stops mid prayer and turns around to look at me. My uncle looks at me and says do you have something you would like to say Cecelia? You can go up and speak if you’d like. Embarrassed, I sink down into the cold hard wooden church bench and turn bright red. Everything goes back to how it was before, the priest continues the prayer everyone puts their full attention on him and I go back to what I was doing before. My nervous giggle I can’t control it.

                As my mom, dad, and brother are heading to the restaurant with the rest of my family after the funeral my dad is screaming at me for being rude and how he can’t believe I interrupted the ceremony like that. They are all disappointed in my actions and to make things worse as my dad is yelling at me for laughing I start laughing even harder. He starts shouting CECELIA DO YOU THINK THIS IS SOME SORT OF JOKE. GRAMMY IS VERY UPSET WITH YOU ILL BE SURPRISED IF HE EVEN LETS YOU STAY AT THE LUNCH FOR NANA. IF YOU SAY A WORD YOU ARE GOING RIGHT HOW AND YOU WONT BE LEAVING YOUR ROOM FOR DAYS. DO YOU HEAR ME? I quickly go silent and mumble yes sir.

                I walk into the tiny little lunch place last without my family. I sit in my car for ten minutes hoping to pull myself together. I was unsuccessful the second I walk through the door with all eyes on me I say haha.. Hey guys what are you looking at.. haha.. Once I start laughing even a little it becomes uncontrollable. My dad glares at me from the back corner of the room. I don’t dare take a step near him. I run into the bathroom hoping not too many people heard me. I go into the handicap stall and just sit there for a little sobbing into my hands thinking what I have done. My entire family hates me now. Why is it so bad to laugh? Laughing makes most people happy. We needed a little happiness in that sad depressing room. That was not why I was laughing though.  I leave the stall and go join everyone else. I don’t say a peep I sit in silence and drink my cold glass of water. The rest of that day I don’t say a word to anyone.

                When I get home and I’m alone in my room all my emotions come out. I roll around on my bed laughing and crying. I don’t know how I feel.  I get in bed a fall asleep at 3 am. I sleep all through the next day because I don’t want to bother anyone. Around 5 pm my mom comes into my room saying she has bad news. A little teary eyed she says you’re great grandfather just committed suicide. I am guessing you know why. I am sure he’s a lot happier now. Like always I don’t know how to express myself and I have a smirk on my face. I feel horrible but I let out a tiny squeak as I bury my face back into my pillow.

                 Later on I leave my room to go talk to my dad to see how he’s doing because he’s lost both his grandparents. He doesn't want to talk to me because if I laugh he will only become furious. Later that day I find out that my family doesn't want me to come to the funeral because I’m known for being disrespectful. All I can do when I find that news out is laugh.